I came across the above recently on Instagram. I felt like it sort of perfectly and succinctly verbalized something that a lot of us feel but struggle to put into words. It’s sort of clarifying. I was almost tempted to present it without comment, but I won’t. I think there’s more to say below the surface if you’ll allow me to overthink it to death… what I do best.
Most parents love their children, without question. But I often wonder if those same parents love their lives as parents. And it’s hard to ask parents about that because it’s hard to say you don’t without sounding like you don’t love your kids or regret your choice. And it can be hard to separate the two… loving your kids and loving your life, which is being with your kids.
And what does it even mean to love your life? At face value it might seem obvious, but trust me, the more you stop and think about it, the more complicated it seems to get. We’re all striving to design and build a life that’s perfect for us. A life full of the things and people we love, chasing after the dreams and goals that matter to us, and living authentically as ourselves. That all seems pretty straight forward. But is loving your life in the micro or in the macro? Is a life you love built up of smaller, everyday moments that bring you joy or is it the bigger picture of what we build even if the day to day is mundane, hard or sometimes unpleasant?
If it’s the micro, being a parent can be a tough sell. I doubt anybody loves changing diapers around the clock or getting up in the middle of the night every night with a screaming baby. It’s exhausting to be a parent, especially a new one. Sure there are moments of joy sprinkled in… your baby laughing, reaching certain milestones, the wonder of them experiencing everything for the first time, etc… but is being sleep deprived, having too much on your plate, and spending all your free time dealing with soccer practice and school events a life that you love?
At the macro level, it sounds pretty appealing though. A more zoomed out look at a parent’s life, big picture. The experience of loving a new family member, guiding them through the world, helping them find their passions, carrying on family traditions and legacies, and building special bonds that last a lifetime. This is what life is all about, right? For many of us, at the end of the day, our family is what matters.
I sense this is where I’ve lost my way a little bit. I love the macro idea of having children. Seeing my life as a whole and thinking about the value children could bring to it. The lessons I could learn, the new experiences I could have, the love I could feel, and the growth I could experience. And yet, when I think of the micro, I instantly get cold feet. The 18 years or so of my life revolving around another being’s. The stress, the overwhelm, the unique challenges, the various sacrifices… all of which I’d be free from if I didn’t have kids. Free with that time and energy to, well, enjoy my life? To travel, focus on hobbies, spend time with friends…
That’s not to say that having children is the only thing that can add stressful challenges to your day to day life. Any big goal or dream you chase would in theory have its own daily grind and sacrifices. Want to have a fit body? Eating right and exercising daily isn’t always fun but you’ve gotta do it consistently. Want to start your own business? Enjoy figuring out taxes and working through roadblocks as you try to get off the ground. Want to become a successful actor? Get comfortable with constant rejection and putting a ton of work into an audition that goes nowhere. Often the most worthwhile and meaningful things we chase in our lives are made up of working hard at it day after day. The effort put forth each day isn’t usually glamorous. But we do it because we believe in the big picture of the goal.
Doing meaningful things that make us grow means we have to take the good with the bad, right? Of course. We’ve heard what some of the not so fun parts of raising a child can be. Does that mean we just need to power through them or learn to appreciate them to get to the ultimate goal of experiencing good parts? Simply put, yes! If you’re willing to, that is. But it’s also OK to say, “I’m not willing to endure all the bad parts to experience the good parts. It’s not worth it to me. If I’m going to struggle with obstacles and challenges, I want them to be in the service of something else.” Ultimately, there’s a unique value equation for each of us in these decisions, and we have to decide how it tabulates for us personally.
So yes, I want my life to be filled with daily joy and things that I love on the micro level. I want to love my life. But life isn’t being on vacation 24/7 for most of us. On the macro level, if we want to live a rich life where we grow and evolve, it’s going to come with growing pains on the micro level to some extent. We need to choose in which ways we want to grow and which growing pains we’re willing to take on to do so.
I couldn’t end this rant without quickly acknowledging how key mindset is to taking on any goal or challenge. There’s a big difference between “This is so hard, I hate it, I’m miserable” and “This is challenging, but I know I can handle this, and it’ll make me grow.” This is key for whatever you decide to go after in life. And obviously adopting a gratitude practice has been proven to increase one’s satisfaction in life. More on this another day (probably).
Choose your “hard”. Maybe it is being a parent or maybe it’s a health, career, or creative goal instead. There’s no right or wrong answer. We get to design and build the life we want to live… the life we’re going to love, both in the micro and the macro.
Valerie
I've never looked at or at least articulated the enjoyment of our lives in the macro vs. micro. Such a cool distinction that can foster new ways of thinking. Appreciate you! 💖